My Exquisitely Empty Life
by Frittitacky
Summary: This story is going to focus on the attempted extortion of Tom Branson by Edna, because I wanted to answer the question: What if Mary had walked in on Edna's attempted seduction of Tom when it first started? This story picks up the moment Edna kisses Tom in his room during season 3.


**AN:** Alright, get ready, everyone! It's time for my third Downton Abbey Fanfic. This time around, I'm gonna focus on the attempted extortion of Tom Branson by Edna, because I wanted to answer the question: What if Mary had walked in on Edna's attempted seduction of Tom when it first started?

Disclaimer: I do not own Downton Abbey, its characters, or anything at all for that matter.

 **My Exquisitely Empty Life**

Lady Mary Crawley could not believe what she was seeing after she had openend the door to Tom Branson's room: Tom tenderly embracing and kissing the new maid.

"Edna Braithwaite, what is going on here! And you, Tom, I can't tell you how disgusted I am with your conduct. Sybil would be so ashamed of your actions today."

Tom had no idea at which point Lady Mary had opened the door and come into his room, but there she stood, her face an icy grimace of contempt. She turned back into the hall and called: "Granny, would you please come over here for a moment?"

Tom and Edna stood petrified as the elderly Dowager Countess walked into the room with a disapproving frown on her noble face. "What is it you want to show me so urgently that you felt it necessary to yell in such an unladylike fash- My God!" The moment Violet Crawley became aware of the compromising situation she and Mary had found Tom Branson and Edna Braithwaite in, she covered her mouth with her hand, staring in total shock at the foul scene.

"It is not what it looks like," Tom said meekly, covering his nipples with his hands, now that an elderly lady was present. "She practically forced herself upon me!"

"Oh, of course she did. And that is why you're standing here basically naked, is it, Branson? You bloody mongrel should have gone back to being a driver a long time ago," the Dowager Countess scuffed. "Mary, we must rectify this situation at once. I assume Robert told you what to do in such an event…?"

Mary strutted elegantly over to a lever on the wall while her high heels were clicking on the floor. She pulled the lever and activated a rusty old mechanism that hadn't been used in many years. As the ancient gears were set in motion, some of the wooden panels on the ceiling slid open, revealing a hidden compartment from which to upright wooden crosses were being lowered into the room.

"For your despicable actions, you will both be punished. Take your clothes of," commanded Mary in a stern voice. With gleeful satisfaction, she watched Edna undo her apron and take off her dress and knickers, and Tom lowering his trousers and taking off his new and modern Jockey shorts.

Mary and her grandmother ordered the two wrongdoers to stand with their backs against one of the crosses each and spread their arms. It took little time to bind them against the black wood with leather straps so that they were fully immobilised, ready to absorb whatever punishment Mary and her Grandmother saw fit.

Mary took up position before the two and declared in a cold voice: "You both have brought dishonour over our noble house. It has therefore been decided by my grandmother and my esteemed self that the two of you are to receive a punishment that will indeed be quite appropriate for what you did."

"I'm part of this family! You can't punish me the same way you punish a lowly maid," screamed Tom in impotent anger.

"Oh, but we can. And we DO," replied Mary coldly. And then, she and her Grandmother took off their own dresses and instead inserted metal stand-to-pee devices into their holes.

"No! Nooooo!" Both Tom and Edna whined in anguished shrieks as the yellow jets of piss began to shoot out of the STPs and right into their horrified faces. The two women took turns pissing on Tom and Edna, respectively, but it seemed that Tom was subjected to slightly more golden showering from the old Dowager Countess than from her granddaughter, possibly because Violet Crawley still hadn't forgiven Tom, a lowly driver, for marrying into her noble bloodline.

"Yes, screech, ye horny curs! My grace has been saving up urine for such an occasion for six weeks now. I had been planning on using it on that bloody mongoose Molsley, but it is far better spent teaching thee two a lesson. May the piss flow for many more minutes," declared the Dowager Countess in her wrath.

And flow it did. The Dowager Countess continued to spray Branson and Edna with stinky golden old lady urine. The victims of her yellow-tinted redemption screamed and moaned, but to no avail: The golden jets of piss kept shooting out of Violet's STP for four more minutes. When the stream finally subsided, the two culprits were reduced to blubbering wrecks. Edna's dark hair was drenched in piss, and Tom's voluptuously bushy pubic hair had absorbed the piss like a sponge.

"Please, Lady Mary, please unbind us," moaned Edna in an exhausted voice.

"Sorry, no can do. Me granny ain't through with y'all yet," taunted Mary.

"Thou art correct, my child. Very well, then, Edna, you dirty little hossy, thou wishest for Branson to knock ye up? Thou hast never experienced the joys of pregnancy, hast thou? I shall give thee a taste of what I had to go through twice in my life when I delivered Robert and Rosemary."

After she had spoken these refined words, the Dowager Countess opened a cupboard from which she took a brazen bicycle pump. With a sardonic smile, she jammed the pump's nozzle up Edna's vagina and proceeded to fix it in place using rough, brown duct tape (AN: Had that been invented already? Don't know, don't care, let's go on).

"Now, thou shalt experience what true inflation is all about, Edna," gloated Violet Crawley, and then she began pumping. Despite her frail appearance, she worked the bicycle pump like a weight-lifter only half her age. The crucified whore Edna could only watch in total shock and disbelief as her never regions began to stretch agonizingly. She felt as if her lower body was filled with molten fire and a stinking fart escaped her windy little hole.

"Please, my Lady, please release me," moaned Edna, but if anything, Violet Crawley began to pump even more violently. The bound maid moaned and groaned in agony, as her abdomen swell to twice its original size. And then, Edna exploded in a veritable geyser of blood, guts and human limbs.

Even Mary was slightly taken aback by this turn of events: "My God! Don't you think that you went a little too far there, Granny?"

"If thou knowst a better way to deal with wayward maids, thou mayeth tell me now. Otherwise, I'd suggest that we just get on with it and deal with that impertinent upstart Branson," replied the Dowager Countess.

"Please don't inflate me, your grace, please don't! Anything but that," whinnied Branson, fearing that he was soon to meet the same fate as the seductress Edna.

"Oh, ye needeth not worry, dear," said the Dowager Countess coldly, "thou lackest an inflatable vaginal cavity, which is why my grace shall refrain from inflating thee to death."

Mary chimed in from the background: "You know, you could still inflate his anal cavity."

Violet laughed coldly: "No, my dear child, that would be quite beneath my esteemed self."

"So, does that mean you won't punish me any further," asked Branson from the cross with a glimmer of hope. This hope soon turned into absolute terror when he saw Violet Crawley brandish a knife.

"Oh no, thy punishment will be complete! Thou art to be reunited with thy beloved Sybil! I shall gnash thy heart between my teeth and drink deeply!"

And then, the wrathful Countess plunged her knife deep into Branson's bosom, rending skin, flesh and bone alike. While Branson shrieked in agony, she noblewoman reached her elegant hand deep into the bloody mess that was the former driver's ribcage. Thanks to her excellent knowledge of human anatomy, the Dowager Countess did not need to spend much time feeling for the object of her desires. The last sight that Tom Branson saw in his life before his eyes closed forever was the lusty grimace on the Dowager Countess's face as she lifted his heart to her eye level and then bit into it with a lusty moan and began sucking the blood from it.

After that, life went on as usual. Shit went down, tits went up, and the never ending circle of life and death continued until the end of time. Tom's passing was mourned by those who knew him, and even the Dowager Countess shed a tear or two in memory of her grandson in law, despite the role she had played in his passing. It was her staunch belief in her moral convictions that kept her from questioning if there had been other alternatives she could have pursued instead of inflicting the ultimate punishment upon Tom.

Eventually, Branson's memory faded and the gloom shadow that his death had cast upon the merry estate went away. Like all irrelevant nobodies, he would eventually be forgotten. Edna's memory, on the other hand, would continue to live in infamy for generations to come. Her blatant breach of protocol would become the subject of cautionary tales among the staff for many decades.

 **The End**

 **AN:** So, this was my third Downton Abbey fanfic. Please review, but don't flame, yeah? Flames will be put into the fireplace where they belong by Carson himself, yeeeessss!

Until next time,

The Frittitacky


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